"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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