its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
