the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
