I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
