1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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