we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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