we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
