When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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