I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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