I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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