My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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