I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
