she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
