I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
