i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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