I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
