Umm I'm too high to move.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
