Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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