Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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