i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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