watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
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