I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
