GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
