Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
