I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
