Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
