just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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