do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize