Jerry, you need to find god
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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