I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
