All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
