I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
