I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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