Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
