This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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