I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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