You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
