i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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