She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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