my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
