i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
40s are totally the cure
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
