Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
