Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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