she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
