I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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