im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you would pick up someone in the library
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
