i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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