if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
