if you like me you must not know who I am
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
