Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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