My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
