So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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