Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
