I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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