i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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