I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
