I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
