THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
