I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
they're like a gay fantastic four
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
