Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
