it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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