Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
