she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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