I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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